A lot of things can go right when Chatting the Weird Out. Suddenly, your relationship has improved, you are happier, the other person is able to grow! Three for three! But sadly, sometimes, things can go wrong too.
Don’t forget, setting clear boundaries because of a situation that made you uncomfortable or unhappy will almost never make you the bad person. It is important to set boundaries so you can feel safe and get the respect you deserve, particularly during those hard conversations.
When thinking about how to address different reactions, it may be useful to look at it like a traffic light system:
- Green: the relaxed direction we expect most conversations to take,
- Yellow: when things are getting awkward and are not going how you might have expected
- Red: an unsafe situation for you or someone else.
Green
Everything has gone smoothly! Your relationship is better than before because you feel like everything is settled and you no longer feel frustration or negatively towards a situation or person.
Yellow
That’s awkward; Chatting the Weird Out made it quite… weird. The person maybe crying, getting defensive, is deflecting, or even denying the problem.
Now, how you react here will be heavily dependent on whether you are a flight or fight type of person, meaning that it will depend on whether you usually confront, flee or even freeze if you mind and body feels like you are in danger.
If you are a fight type of person, you might start getting heated up. Remember, take a deep breath before saying anything harmful which might make the situation worse. If you want to continue with the chat, have your facts and evidence ready to help them see your perspective, but also remember to be respectful and open-minded when doing this. Remember, it takes two to tango!
If you are more of a flight person, Chatting the Weird Out must have taken a lot of energy out of you; it’s ok to retreat from the situation and talk again later. Taking some time for both of you to calm down may be the best option to ensure this conversation can restart when everyone is prepared to chat. If you need a go-to sentence for this situation, “this conversation is not quite going how I was expecting it would; can we please take a break for me to reflect on what you said”. Works like a charm!
If the other person is heavily emotionally involved and is crying, you may want to give them some space and continue the conversation later if they have more to say. If the conversation is over, it’s up to you to decide if you want to reconnect with them or give them space to calm themselves.
Remember, how you react to people negatively engaging with boundaries you set matters. Try to be the person you wished they were being by being respectful, calm, and understanding. Sometimes, being the bigger person means being apologetic of the trigger caused and understanding the other person, even if they’re in the wrong.
If you are incredibly disappointed in how they reacted when you brought up boundaries, it may be worth reflecting on your relationship. Do you need a bigger conversation about the nature and quality of your relationship? Is losing this person from your life the best thing for you? The ball is in your court!
Red
This has gone from bad to worse because the person is putting you or themselves at risk. While there is only a small chance of this happening, it is worth knowing what to do if it does!
If you feel unsafe, exit the situation quickly. If feeling extremely unsafe, call the Police. Remember, emergency services exist for a reason and there is no benefit to nicely engaging with someone who doesn’t want to. It may also be important to remember that you cannot talk rationally to someone who is irrational.
If they are putting themselves at risk of harm, call the Police to ensure they are safe, even if the other person wishes you not to. If this happens, remember you are not the reason they are at risk; it is likely that this conversation is a small part of many struggles they are currently facing.
Look after yourself
Remember, you are not alone if something goes wrong. Whether it’s the support available at your tertiary institution or help lines like 1737 Need to Talk, there are people and support services available to you. For more information on support services available if things go badly, check out our Support Services page.