Chatting the Weird Out can feel a bit… weird, especially if we’ve been raised in cultural and social settings that teach us to avoid confrontation whenever possible. Sometimes, we wish we had our very own cricket on our shoulders, doing the talking for us because we don’t want to. But what if learning how to Chat the Weird Out allowed us to remove the weirdness from the conversation? So really, how do you Chat the Weird Out, without it feeling too weird?
Call It Out, nicely: address the issue directly but with kindness. Use “I” or “We” statements to express your perspective without blaming the other person, if possible! People make mistakes, and it’s likely the person’s bad behaviour was not intended to cause harm.
Share your feelings: express how the situation makes YOU feel. We only know our own thoughts, feelings and intentions for sure, so try to avoid judging the other person as this can escalate the situation. This part is not compulsory; no one is entitled to your emotions. You are the best judge of when it is a good time to share how you feel.
Highlight the behaviour change: suggest a solution or a change in behaviour. What can the person do now to ensure that this discussion does not need to happen again?
Discuss what’s next: plan how to avoid similar situations in the future. It is your opportunity to provide them with a learning experience, and even maybe learn a thing or two from them yourself!
Example
Let’s use the scenario from the Soap video as an example. The best way to approach someone using your soap would be to bring it up at some point. You could ignore it, but sharing bar soaps is not the most hygienic practice, and you deserve your own belongings that people don’t use without your permission.
The first step would be to bring the issue up with the flatmate. You could talk to them about it while you have breakfast together, or if you see them relaxing on the couch. Try not to bring it up when they’re late for class!
“Hey, I’ve noticed that you’ve been using my soap.”
Not “I think.” Not “maybe.” Be assertive. Again, the best advice we can give here is to make sure you try your best to check your emotions and address it when you’re calm. Sure, it’s annoying, and even rude, but being angry puts you at risk of making the situation worse than it should be.
Then, if you want, you can share how that makes you feel. Again, this is optional.
“To be honest with you, it makes me a bit uncomfortable.”
In this instance, avoid using words that would put the other person down. Let’s be honest, it may make you feel gross, but saying that out loud may upset them more than anything. Remember, they’re probably not intentionally causing you harm; they might have been raised to think it was okay, or might have assumed it was their soap. As hard as it can be to accept, people’s bad behaviour tends to be accidental more often than not.
Then, this is where you bring up how you’d like the behaviour to change. In this instance, it’s pretty straightforward to simply ask them not to use your soap.
“In the future, could you please not use my soap?”
Finally, discuss what you want to happen from this conversation so that everyone involved can actively avoid this happening again. In that scenario, you could simply state that you’d prefer for everyone to have their own soap, or you could subtly tell them where to buy their own.
“I bought it from [random soap store] if you wanted to get the same one for yourself!”
If, after all of this, the person continues using your soap, the relationship may benefit from a conversation that either involves a mediator or a more honest and straightforward discussion.
Please be aware that this piece of advice may need to be adapted based on the situation. We would also like to acknowledge that some situations do not warrant a discussion and may need to be reported directly to authorities or individuals who can handle the situation in a manner that is better for you.