Being honest with people can be really f*cking hard, especially someone you are in a relationship with. However, as awkward as it can be, articulating where your boundaries are is important and necessary for a healthy relationship to exist
Here are some of the things people I know have struggled with in their relationships and asked me advice on.
FAQ (as an older sister and an unpaid- and unqualified- ‘therapist’)
I hate hugs, but they seem to always want to hold me. I don’t want to upset them, but it makes me really uncomfortable. What should I do?
Some people show their affection for another through physical touch, one of the common love languages. However, sometimes it does not translate as love; it can be triggering because of a person’s previous experience, feel like they are being smothered or just make them uncomfortable. There isn’t always a reason, but communicating a boundary- especially with physical touch- is very important. You don’t have to suffer through something just because society says it is something you should appreciate. Moreover, consent and boundaries with touch are not just limited to sex. It applies to everything. Having open communication is crucial to fostering healthy intimacy and will bring people closer.
They keep wanting to have sex, but how do I tell them I don’t actually like sex?
For some, sex is about pleasure. For others, it is synonymous to intimacy and enjoy it because it allows them to feel close to their partner. Some people don’t like it all. None of those preferences are wrong, or more right than another. The important thing is that you communicate what you enjoy and are comfortable with. Forcing yourself into sex for the sake of your partner is not fair to you, or them; neither of you will be getting what you need from the relationship if you aren’t communicating what your needs and wants are. Consent isn’t implied just because you’re in a relationship; you’re always allowed to say no.
Not liking or wanting sex does not mean there is something wrong with you. It isn’t weird, it is very normal for some; especially for people who identify as ace (asexual). Sexuality is a spectrum, and no one is more ‘right’ than another. We all fall into a different place, some choosing to not define their sexuality at all. And that’s okay.
Knowing yourself is important, and you don’t owe it to other people to tell them how you identify or why. But with your partner, being open about things like sex (and sexual preferences) is vital for fostering a culture of respect, trust, and comfort.
Whenever we have a fight, they just switch off. Then we’ll see each other a day or two later and they will give me a gift. Is that a red flag?
Gift giving is more complex than people make it out to be. It is not just about the gift itself, but the motivation behind giving it, the timing and the relationship between the giver and the recipient. It can be tricky to navigate on the best of days.
Giving a gift after an argument in a romantic relationship can be uncomfortable on numerous levels. For the recipient, it can feel like their forgiveness is being bought. If the issue hasn’t been resolved, a gift can feel like a way to sweep the conflict under the rug. That the effort of purchasing- and spending money- on a gift overrides any residual claim you have to feeling upset. A gift will never be an adequate or appropriate substitute for verbal communication, no matter the giver’s intentions. A band aid fix, such as a gift, does not resolve nor erase the conflict that arose. And if it remains unresolved, it will pop up again.
Navigating dating and relationship is HARD
Dating can suck. Meeting someone for the first time and being expected to be unapologetically yourself is great in theory; if we were all perfectly secure in ourselves and weren’t prone to social awkwardness.
It can be very easy to fall into the trap of lying about interests to seem more relatable. Like pretending to follow the NBA. To understand star signs. That you have a cool job when you are actually unemployed. Making up or embellishing aspects of yourself can seem like an easy way out of showing the real you. To seem ‘more interesting’ so people like you more.
I am sure, to an extent, we can all see ourselves in these scenarios. Manufacturing aspects of your life to be accepted and praised by another person. In the long term, this gets exhausting. Your façade will slip, and others will feel deceived. More than that, manufacturing who you are isn’t constructive to a healthy relationship. A true relationship with love is where individuals are vulnerable and all of them is seen and accepted. Existing is hard enough. You are enough. Don’t make things harder for yourself by pretending to be something you’re not. You will end up missing out on the ‘right’ person for you, because you haven’t put your true self out there.
Having a relationship requires a lot of patience, empathy and sometimes, compromise. But, that does NOT mean sacrificing who you are to please another person. Compromise is a middle-ground between people who recognise and resp6ect each other’s differences. It can only be achieved through open communication. By chatting it out, no matter how weird it may be or feel.