My yappy family schnauzer, Milo. Anxious People by Fredrick Backman & Time is a mother by Ocean Vuong. West Coast by Lana Del Ray. Frozen II and Brooklyn Nine-Nine.
Not a very special collection- and some might consider them odd- but these are some of my favourite comfort things.
Most people have comfort things. Whether it’s a childhood home, video game, song, food, movie or person. When things get hard, people turn to something of familiarity for comfort. It’s safe, predictable and certain. It is their favourite for a reason.
This extends to routine too. Some people find repetition safe and comfortable. However, whilst comfort can exist in consistency, it also negates the opportunity for growth.
Stagnancy can also be characteristic of relationships. Everyone says that the ‘perfect’ relationship is the one where you agree on everything with your partner/friend/relative. Where your values are in complete alignment, and with zero conflict. From experience – and the backing of trusty experts in psychology – I can say this is untrue.
To grow as people, we must be challenged. Conflict is inevitable- and healthy- where bonds are formed between different kinds of people. Similarly, conflict tends to test the strength of a relationship; whether there is a foundation of mutual respect, where conflict can occur in a way that respects the autonomy of each individual.
“We don’t get harmony when everybody sings the same note. Not only notes that are different can harmonize. The same is true with people.” Steve Goodier.
The best relationships do not fear a tough conversation. This is because there exists a foundation of trust and respect so that conflict can exist healthily. Security exists so that individuals can voice their discontent or differences without the fear of the relationship falling apart.
The paradoxical nature of perfection
You know the ‘happily ever after’ shown in movies like Cinderella? Where the boy gets the girl- or the girl gets the girl- and everything is all rosy from there? That’s complete bullsh*t.
Those ‘happily ever afters’ are a fallacy. It is not realistic and expecting that from real life only sets you up for failure.
And honestly, having a ‘fairy tale’ relationship might actually feel like something’s wrong. Personally, I would feel scared about ever making a mistake; like my relationship is made of glass and if I make one mistake, it would just smash.
Zero conflict? Or people pleaser?
So, you are looking at yourself and your relationships and saying, “I have never had any conflict in ANY relationship… maybe I am just lucky?” And maybe you are! OR maybe you are a people pleaser, who just likes to ‘keep the peace’ much as you can?
For all the people pleasers out there, I see you. It can be very hard for us to put up any boundaries at all. I have let my friends- and people I’ve been romantically involved with- use me as their therapist, have done whatever they asked and sacrificed time and energy when I didn’t have any. It can feel like the right thing and something a good person would do; I can confidently say it doesn’t work in the long-term. You will burn out. You may even grow to resent the other person. It isn’t the noble thing to do. If you want a relationship to work long-term, invest in yourself as much as another person. And learn to be confident in putting up a boundary and calling out a person when they breach it. If they respect you and your relationship, they will listen and try to be better.
Lean into the messy. Learn how to navigate the messy with your friends or partner. Remember, a fixation on being perfect will only lead to constant disappointment, people pleasing and the relationship/s ending. If conflict does arise, step out of your comfort zone and allow your relationships to grow as you Chat the Weird Out.