Navigating Friends with Benefits and Situationships:
A Guide to Setting Boundaries
Ah, welcome to university life, our early 20s, and the world of friends with benefits, a perfect mix of intimacy and no-strings-attached sex. But this fun and experimental world can also be messy and drama-filled. So, keep reading, and we will lay down some ground rules and Chat the Weird Out!
First, why is setting boundaries important in a friends-with-benefits relationship?
Clear boundaries with what starts as a fun and carefree thing can spiral into hurt feelings, misunderstandings, and toxicity. Developing deeper feelings is one of the most significant risks of a friends-with-benefits relationship. Setting boundaries helps define what’s on the table emotionally and what isn’t. By doing so, there is mutual respect between everyone, reducing chances of getting hurt or future relationship insecurities. Another reason is also facilitating a healthy exit strategy. Setting boundaries also involves how to end the relationship gracefully if things change. Having an ‘exit plan’ will make parting ways without any drama.
Now we know why we should set boundaries, let’s dive into what that looks like.
What is a Friends with Benefits Relationship?
Are you looking for a non-commitment relationship? Are you open to a deeper connection?
Having a clear idea of what a friends-with-benefits relationship looks like from the start can save you from confusion and potential heartache. You could be wondering,
“Well, what if it changes? What if I start developing feelings?”
When establishing your initial expectations of the relationship, it’s worth practising regular check-ins to ensure the expectations remain intact. Setting boundaries is not a one-off event; check-ins provide an opportunity to revisit and adjust boundaries as needed; this ensures the relationship remains mutually beneficial and respectful over time.
Here’s a few examples of how to have those awkward chats about boundaries:
- “What do you want to get out of this?”
- “Are there any off-limit behaviours?”
- “Are there any specific activities you want to keep separate from our plans? Like going on dates, spending holidays together.”
- “Are we still seeing other people, or is this exclusive?”
- “What should we do if one of us starts developing deeper feelings?”
- “What’s our plan if we want to end this relationship?”
- “Do you want to stay friends after, or should we end this relationship?”
We totally understand that it can be suuuper awkward when initiating and navigating awkwardness in chatting the weird out. But we also want to avoid a friends-with-benefits relationship becoming a situationship. Asking straightforward questions before or during the benefits arrangement is the cornerstone of developing a respectful and shared understanding of these topics openly and honestly. Chatting the Weird Out in these circumstances will make your life easier and less stressful!
Chat the Little Things Out
Setting boundaries and having the plan sussed out is not the only thing to consider; a friends-with-benefits relationship may progress or grow. It has small underlying factors that make it a friends-with-benefits situation. For example, in the beginning, you have sleepovers, and they leave a toothbrush at your place. The toothbrush stays there, and so does the person, or at first, you hang out a couple of times, but the friends-with-benefits start buying you a Valentine’s gift… these underlying “little” things can often be overlooked and are what causes the friends-with-benefits relationship to be continuously ambiguous. While setting boundaries and clearly communicating expectations and rules, the main thing is ensuring everyone is on the same page. By overlooking these little things and not Chatting the Weird Out, can turn a friends-with-benefits relationship into a sticky situationship.
If the friends-with-benefits were established solely for hookups, clarify your expectations to your partner(s) and set the boundaries as we have mentioned. Make sure that if toothbrushes end up staying over, it is due for a conversation about the relationship’s status and if either of you wants to progress further; if not, establish the do’s and don’ts. Before we let you move on, let’s look at what would happen if you don’t establish boundaries and rules in a friends-with-benefits relationship; you could be at risk of a situationship dun-dun-dun!
What is a Situationship?
A situationship happens when there is no clear label, set boundaries, or mutual understanding of your relationship. It’s a weird and very confusing situation to be in. Imagine you’re hanging out with this person regularly; you’re more than friends, but you’re also not committed to a relationship. You hang out heaps or engage in romantic activities. Still, there is a grey area, leaving you and the partner needing clarification and certainty. Just like a friends-with-benefits relationship, this can be incredibly damaging if boundaries are not set.
Dating casually without commitment is not the devil here; it can be a great way to grow and find your inner confidence and identity, but here is when things start getting a bit messy. As much space and freedom around dating is needed, structure and setting a solid foundation for your expectations and your ‘exit plan’ will prevent surprises and unexpected mental breakdowns.
“Casual does not mean Careless” Vice
How should I handle this?
Luckily, you can use all the tips and tricks mentioned above about a friends-with-benefits relationship! They work the same in this situation: Establish initial expectations, clear communication, set boundaries, establish your ‘exit plan’ and regular check-ins! In other words: Chat the Weird Out! By Chatting the Weird Out, situationships won’t exist! Situationships come up when things are unsaid, so it is important to discuss boundaries early on to avoid a weird grey area of an unlabelled relationship.
By breaking the awkwardness and starting these conversations will make it easier to chat about other issues in the future, such as, catching feelings, setting boundaries for staying over, and ending things. Being honest and genuine about your relationship and regularly checking in with one another shows respect and clears the air on hot topics such as exclusivity. Yep, the age-old “So, what are we…” question.
What does clear communication look like in this situation?
Keep it real about your feelings and intentions and any changes in your status. Are you both free to see other people or is this a closed deal? Being transparent is your best friend. If you start catching feelings with someone new, don’t leave or worse, don’t GHOST your friends with benefits/situationship. This is why creating an ‘exit plan’ and regular check-ins becomes essential. The consequences of avoiding this conversation will leave the other person confused and unsure if the situationship is a done deal or if you all remain friends. To avoid future misunderstandings and hurt feelings, Chat the Weird Out about the big, small, and awkward things. Break the ice and barrier to make your casual relationship a fun, healthy, respectful one.
Safety
Here is a cute little reminder about safe sex practices – use protection, regular STI testing, the whole shebang. Knowing each other’s sexual health status isn’t just a responsible thing to do; it is the foundation of a trustworthy and respectable friends-with-benefits relationship.
Good luck out there, and remember to Chat the Weird Out.